“…and the auto-focus shivered and squinted, trying to see better. it just would not focus. it tried in vain a few times to capture that moment, but it just could not. finally, he lifted his head from the lens…only to watch her disappear through the door.”
Well now. this year has been something. this year, i have learned to express myself through my photography…but with close to over 2000 pictures on my computer, not even one of them can come close to conveying how i feel at this moment. Last night, i was looking at my pictures…and i just started printing them. more and more and more until i had a big mess of photos on my desk, drying by the dim flourescent lights in my room. as i look back on this year, i feel as if my pictures do it no justice. there has been so much pain, so much happiness, so much delight, so much heartbreak, so much companionship. i got closer to a lot of people this year…and some people..i have drifted away from.
the past few days i have been reminsicing. writing notes in calculus, playing with game boys and cards, tetris. quizzes in history, vain attempts to try to finish study guides, long nights trying to complete all flashcards…setting the curve for one of the tests. journalism. oh…man oh man, journalism. doing layouts last minute, trying to get everything done on time…sitting on the couch with whoever just talking…that feelnig of success whenever the paper came out…talks with stephanie…picture taking with claire, bagel-stealing with bianca…talks with michelle. english was something too…the jingle of happiness, falling into trapdoors…pretto for halloween, man. there’s been more, but..i don’t even know how to describe it all.
it really does seem like yesterday that i walked into mr. phillips’ second period class all out of breath ’cause i had been searching hard for the room. he began with a warm welcome and broke down the essentials of what we needed to know. i never really realized that in a short three years i’d be in a chair as a senior, desperately wondering where the time has gone. he had warned us. he had warned us that time would become increasingly difficult to get a hold of once high school progressed. he, like usual, was right. those slow afternoons of lounging around with friends, just sitting around with drinks and joking aobut this and that soon melted down to one blur and the time…it’s just become one week after another. we’re one year away from being done with high school. this morning, i was watching boy meets world cause i didnt have to go to school till 10. they were in 7th grade. i remember watching it when i was little, always wondering if that was what being in 7th grade would be like. then i watched as they went to high school, and again, i wondered if that was what being in high school was like. now, i’m in high school, and i don’t even remember if it is living up to my expectations.
when it comes down to it, the planning, the intricate details of what to do every year of your high school life blends and mixes; the comfortable stroll turns into a clumsy, awkward sprint with your shoelaces untied and you are doing all you can do to keep up, to not be dead last.
lastly, i don’t want to be a senior. as a freshman , i wished and wished for the taunts to be done with, that one day i would reign supreme as a senior, but here i am…a senior with the year in front of me, and i am scared. being a senior means that i will be leaving…being a senior means that i will have long said my goodbyes to those who have always been in the year above us. being a senior means that…basically….our days are limited. we are limited to the choices we make and the time we have to just be kids and do stupid things. it’s like a curfew, and by the end of the day, before that curfew, we have to get all the living we can done and over with, ’cause the day won’t ever repeat itself for you, or for anyone else.
i want to go to a park and swing. swing all my troubles away, swing back and forth and up and down and just, for once, stop being seventeen. wash away all of the SATs and the GPAs and all the other cursed three letter acronyms that rule my life…
and just fly.