INK

Since I’ve last posted, there have been tons of things going on. I turned 23 (ugh) and now I feel older than ever, which sucks. However, in commemoration of my birthday, I decided that I wanted to get my second tattoo. I always had an idea I wanted another tattoo – hell, I’m entertaining the idea of getting a partial sleeve done on one of my arms – but although it had been something I’d thought about for a while, I never though about actually getting it done. My parents are pretty opposed to the idea of tattoos, and so I knew that in order to get one, it’d be in blatant defiance of what they wanted. However, my mind was made up, and two days after my 23rd birthday, I made an appointment and next thing I knew, I was sitting in a chair, waiting to get permanently altered. From the inception of the idea, I knew I had to get it done. I was born and raised in San Francisco, and still have very strong ties to the city by the bay. I’ve always been drawn (no pun intended) to Benny Gold’s Etch-a-Sketch skyline design for skate and streetwear brand HUF, and when I really thought about it, the more perfect it seemed by the second.

My friends Doug and Jenny were coming up that day to hang out, and so in a good show of their moral support, they came along and Jenny snapped some photos of me getting my tattoo done.

It hurt. It hurt like hell. I don’t mind admitting it at all – it hurt like nothing had ever hurt before. but somehow, the pain was so cathartic to me. I knew that at the end of that session I’d have something on my right forearm that forever represented my home, and where my heart was. In the future, I might move or travel but no matter where I go, I’ll always have San Francisco with me.


PREOCCUPATION

I’ve been a little down lately (or a lot, but who’s checking) and while being in Santa Cruz wasn’t helping, I’m fully expected for it to get worse now that I’m home for a few weeks. See, at least in Santa Cruz I could go out on my own, do my own thing. If I needed to go out on a late night drive, or to go get some coffee, nothing was stopping me. Here, I’m mired. No car, parents breathing down my neck, and my own mind trying to get the best of me as I struggle to keep afloat. My “break” is poised to be pretty awful: I have a doctor’s appointment with a doctor who will voice his displeasure over my lack of attention to my physical ailments and general health, two dentists appointments where I’ll be chastised for my flossing habits (or lack thereof) and my penchant for all things enemy to dentists everywhere, most of all my love affair with coffee. I have several family dinners lined up where the point of discussion will be what I plan to do with my useless degree and what I have in store for the future. Of course, there’s Christmas, but I don’t get gifts, and there’s a trip to Las Vegas planned. I’m excited for that, but since we do it every year, it’s nothing too special.

I think we are ignoring my birthday for the most part this year, and I don’t blame anyone. I’m just turning 23, it’s nothing special, and to be honest, my birthdays have never garnered much fanfare. It’s usually that school is out during my birthday and so without any real way to see anyone, I never celebrate it. It’s just a time for me to remember the lack of friends I have and how they wouldn’t even remember had it not been for the advent of Facebook. I don’t get gifts, I don’t care about cake, and so December 17th is always just another day.

Therefore, I have slated a few things keep myself from shrinking into the dark recesses of my mind. I’m trying to focus more on photography. I’ll have nobody to shoot with, but it’s not as if that’s anything new. I will, however, have San Francisco, with whom I plan on launching a torrid love affair with over these few weeks. I have been messing around with off-flash and strobist stuff over the past few days. For my own birthday and Christmas gifts, I bought myself another Nikon SB-700 flash and a 50mm f/1.4G lens. This combined with my “I’m bored” purchase of a Westcott Apollo softbox a few weeks prior has been my preoccupation (hey that’s the name of this post!) these past few days. I plan on taking my big baby, my Hasselblad 500CM, out a lot more, since I’ve been neglecting to use her for a while. Santa Cruz isn’t worth $8-a-roll Provia 400. Hopefully I can crank out a ton of photos and get them developed before I head back. So, without further ado, here’s a list of things I hope to do this break::

  • I want to read more, I’m currently halfway through Kazuo Ishiguro’s Nocturnes and that’s been a pretty good read. I don’t know what else is on the list, but there should be a list.
  • Listen to tons of Christmas music
  • Watch tons of Christmas movies
  • Build a Lego set
  • See people
  • Write a short story or two, or simply write. Maybe update my blog
  • Come up with a list of resolutions for the new year.

That’s about it. I don’t have much on my plate, and for good reason. I want to keep things short and doable. Check back for something I try to do every year, Shelby’s Ridiculous Gift List, a list of things I want for my birthday or Christmas, a list so ridiculous and obscene it’s just a way for me to talk about stupid things I want to buy.

 

HOLIDAY BLUES

Usually around this time of the year there are plenty of things to be happy about. Winter has always been my favorite season. I guess I kind of fell in love with it as a kid – winter meant December, and December meant that it was almost my birthday and almost Christmas. I definitely have a lot of love for this season…the air chills and it’s amazing to breathe in. People hang up lights, sing carols, and are out buying presents. Hot drinks become amazing, and everything feels like warm sweaters and smells like cinnamon.

This year I had a lot of plans for the holiday season. I wanted to bake all the time, listen to Christmas music all day and watch Christmas movies all night. I guess since I never really had a real Christmas when I was a kid I’ve been trying to make up for it when I got old enough to miss it. I wanted to sing carols and hang up lights, make gingerbread houses and exchange gifts. What’s funny is that I did all those things. I did all of those things and more, and I crossed basically everything off my Christmas list. I gave people gifts, we watched a countless number of Christmas movies, we spent a full day making gingerbread cameras. We sang Christmas carols at full volume while driving back to my house. Christmas isn’t even here yet and I’ve already done all the things that television and movies promised would lead to an amazing Christmas. But it didn’t.

I don’t know, I don’t know why I threw myself into Christmas attack zone with such reckless abandon. I don’t know why I assumed that all these things would make my holidays better. To tell the truth, I was pretty depressed going into the holiday season and I figured that maybe if I jumped (fully clothed in a Christmas sweater) into a metaphorical Christmas pool full of tinsel and jingling bells that I would come out happier, brain and heart wrapped in boughs of holly. To the surprise of no one, that didn’t happen.

I don’t know. I guess I just wanted something more, something to snap me out of my mind. Maybe it’s coming – I mean, it’s not even close to Christmas yet. All I know is that soon I’ll be another year older with nothing to show for it. I feel like I’m slipping, like I’m on a slope and there’s nothing to hang on to and all the people I’m close to are at risk of being gone. I feel alone, left to find comfort in the shadows and echoes of friends I’d once had.

Last night a friend and I talked about people growing apart, and I guess in the twilight of our college lives, it’s been a looming beast we’ve all just been ignoring. I’m sad that eventually, all things come to an end. I guess as long as we don’t see things ending as a negative, things will be okay. Time won’t stop, time is our greatest enemy, and as time goes on, the further apart I’ll get from everyone. Eventually, everyone goes away. I know this. I’ve lived it several times, and I’ll live it again. I always wonder if it matters to anyone but me.  Friendships will end, for better or for worse, but the important thing is to remember the good times. If I was to be bitter about all the friends I’ve lost throughout the years, I’d go insane. Things end. Keep the good times you’ve had in your mind, and be thankful that you at least had that.

Good friends are like good books. You read it once, and no matter how much you love it, no matter how long it is, it’ll end. You’ll put it back on your shelf, and that’ll be that. Maybe in a few years, you’ll pick it up, dust it off, and start reading it again and greet it with nostalgia. But when you open to that first page, you’ll always remember where you were when you first read those words.

CONTEST

Yesterday, I was going through my email and one in particular caught my eye. Usually, I scan through all emails anyways just to get a quick glance but most of the time, I’ll just ignore it. This time, however, an email from JPG Magazine with a call for photographers piqued my interest. It was a last-call for the Exposure photography contest, something hosted by Artists Wanted (artistswanted.org) and I had five hours left to submit some of my work. I did some more research on the page and realized that the grand prize was absolutely incredible: a gallery showcase and special presentations of your work throughout New York City – it was basically a jump start to a career in photography. The idea of that grand prize makes me tremble in anticipation; it is far and above beyond my wildest imagination and dream to have something like that. I mean, I’ve always wanted to have a career in photography, but to be so reaffirmed from the start…that’s the kind of confidence I dream of.

I took this photograph over the summer of 2011, when I was in Hong Kong for two weeks. For those familiar with the area, this is around Tsim Sha Tsui, right along the water. I had forgotten my tripod plate that night and there was a lot of people around so I had deemed it a pretty useless night for photography. However, I decided that I might as well try a few exposures, and I think I was able to handhold this one while resting the camera on top of the tripod for about a 5-6s exposure. Little did I know, this would turn out to be one of the best photos I’ve ever taken.

I’m not someone who is very proud of their work. Honestly. I go through my photographs and see this amateur polish on them. something about them leaves a sour taste in my mouth and I never do anything about it. I’m not fishing for compliments – it’s awful that I think so little of my own work but it’s true. When I was preparing images to submit to this contest, my friend Jenny made her submission as well. After looking through her two photos (which were both absolutely fantastic and I’ve told her so several times before) I took a step back and stared at the five or so images I had selected. I realized I didn’t like any of them. People I don’t really know too well come up to me and tell me how much they love my photographs, and I never know what to say. Whenever anyone tells me that, I’m definitely flattered, speechless, but mostly because I’m trying to refrain from asking them “WHY?!”

And then I realized that I do this for myself, and no one else. In the event of contests and stuff, yeah, I’m hindered by the idea that I’m so critical of my work, but in life, in photography, I live and die by my exposures. I figured that even if I don’t believe in myself, there are people that do.

So it is here that I am asking, no, begging you for your vote and consideration. The photos below will link you to my Exposure page, and the one below will link you to Jenny’s. I figure if you like my work, you’ll like hers. She’s one of the big reasons why I even started doing photography again and medium format photography and so she definitely deserves a shout-out. If anyone deserves to win this, it’s me. If I’m not selfish, the answer is most definitely her.

It’s easy: click on the links below, then click “Vote” and click “Like”, voila! You’ve now made me incredibly happy. Thanks everyone.

THANKFUL

I haven’t been very happy lately. The skies have been grey and I’ve felt just about the same. However, it’s that time of year again, and so here I am, warm and at home, thinking of all the things I am thankful for.

I’ve done this since I was a kid. I’m Chinese, so our Thanksgivings aren’t usually as resplendent as movies and television shows had me believing. When I was a kid I was really disappointed – my friends at school would all talk about their favorite Thanksgiving foods that they enjoyed and I had never even smelled most of what they were talking about. I have a million stories like that, where I greatly disliked my childhood at some points because being Chinese meant that I didn’t get to have Santa Claus, or stuffing with my turkey…but regardless of how “un-Thanksgiving” our Thanksgiving is, I’ve most definitely realized it’s not so much the food you eat but the company you share it in.

Last weekend, Chris, George, Max, and I sat around and we tried to do (to the best of our ability, being all relatively broke and short on time) a mini-Thanksgiving. We had turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and everything, and before we sat down to eat. I made sure that we went around the table and we said what we were thankful for. We don’t do that at my regular Thanksgiving dinner, but you better believe that I’ll be saying all this in my head.

First of all, let’s get things straight and cover my bases. I’m thankful for a bed to sleep in, a roof over my head, family, electricity, and all that bare bones bread and butter stuff. Running down the list, I think I’d have to say, this year, I’m thankful for:

- a winning 49ers season

- Robin van Persie’s left leg

- medium format photography

- hot chocolate with marshmallows

- apple cider

- friends’ photography classes where I get to help

- the San Francisco Giants

- a new iPhone

- a new apartment, and an awesome apartment-mate

- New Belgium Brewing Co.’s Snow Day

But I think most of all, I’d have to say that this year I’m most thankful for the friends that I have made, and the ones that I have left. I haven’t been the easiest person to deal with, or even the easiest person to get a hold of, but just know that all of my friends mean everything to me. I wouldn’t have made it through this year without my friends. I’m grateful and generally humbled by all of you.

Thanks, and good eating.

MUSE

The other day I sat down with a friend and we had dinner. It wasn’t a particularly illustrious affair, just some refrigerated meal from Safeway, popped in the oven and done in the time it takes a smoke a cigarette. We ate in relative silence, the television on in the background, our sparse conversation punctuated by chewing and the sound of rain outside. See, we didn’t need to talk – what was more important was that we weren’t alone. After we were done eating, we sat around and had a few more beers. Eventually, we wound up outside, swilling liquor and smoking cigarettes, and talked about anything, everything, and nothing.

There is a surprising few amount of people I can actually hold a conversation with nowadays. Now, for those who know me, they know that I pretty much talk to anyone. I like to think I’m relatively friendly, but at the end of the day, I don’t consider many people friends. It’s strange – ask yourself that. Who do you consider your friends, and why? What is the criterion? It’s an arbitrary thing, one that we set and reset constantly.

The holidays are upon us, and while it’s my favorite time of year, I don’t know how I’ll be this holiday season. Along with my Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday comes the end of a tumultuous year and the beginning of the rest of my life. In a year, I have no idea where I’ll be, physically or mentally. My greatest hope is that I still retain some of the people in my life that has made an impact. I’m someone who cuts ties easily. I build bridges with sawdust and gasoline.

I’ve been pretty scared of myself as of late. I try to keep everything just surface level, try to stay busy, just so I don’t delve deeper into my own soul because I am absolutely terrified of what I might find. I’ve been in a very strange emotional state lately, one that evades definition and form, one that cannot be described in anything but a very strange intangible, effervescent truth.

PERFECT

My friend Chris recommended that I read this story. At first, I was skeptical. After all, Chris, while knowledgable and very well read, was a big fan of foreign literature, and I’m just not. However, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and since we were both a little drunk, he handed over his Kindle and demanded I read it. I loved it. It’s a little story by Haruki Murakami, and it’s absolutely beautiful. One of my favorite shorts to date. Enjoy.

____________

On Seeing the 100% Perfect Girl One Beautiful April Morning

One beautiful April morning, on a narrow side street in Tokyo’s fashionable Harujuku neighborhood, I walked past the 100% perfect girl.

Tell you the truth, she’s not that good-looking. She doesn’t stand out in any way. Her clothes are nothing special. The back of her hair is still bent out of shape from sleep. She isn’t young, either – must be near thirty, not even close to a “girl,” properly speaking. But still, I know from fifty yards away: She’s the 100% perfect girl for me. The moment I see her, there’s a rumbling in my chest, and my mouth is as dry as a desert.

Maybe you have your own particular favorite type of girl – one with slim ankles, say, or big eyes, or graceful fingers, or you’re drawn for no good reason to girls who take their time with every meal. I have my own preferences, of course. Sometimes in a restaurant I’ll catch myself staring at the girl at the next table to mine because I like the shape of her nose.

But no one can insist that his 100% perfect girl correspond to some preconceived type. Much as I like noses, I can’t recall the shape of hers – or even if she had one. All I can remember for sure is that she was no great beauty. It’s weird.

“Yesterday on the street I passed the 100% girl,” I tell someone.

“Yeah?” he says. “Good-looking?”

“Not really.”

“Your favorite type, then?”

“I don’t know. I can’t seem to remember anything about her – the shape of her eyes or the size of her breasts.”

“Strange.”

“Yeah. Strange.”

“So anyhow,” he says, already bored, “what did you do? Talk to her? Follow her?”

“Nah. Just passed her on the street.”

She’s walking east to west, and I west to east. It’s a really nice April morning.

Wish I could talk to her. Half an hour would be plenty: just ask her about herself, tell her about myself, and – what I’d really like to do – explain to her the complexities of fate that have led to our passing each other on a side street in Harajuku on a beautiful April morning in 1981. This was something sure to be crammed full of warm secrets, like an antique clock build when peace filled the world.

After talking, we’d have lunch somewhere, maybe see a Woody Allen movie, stop by a hotel bar for cocktails. With any kind of luck, we might end up in bed.

Potentiality knocks on the door of my heart.

Now the distance between us has narrowed to fifteen yards.

How can I approach her? What should I say?

“Good morning, miss. Do you think you could spare half an hour for a little conversation?”

Ridiculous. I’d sound like an insurance salesman.

“Pardon me, but would you happen to know if there is an all-night cleaners in the neighborhood?”

No, this is just as ridiculous. I’m not carrying any laundry, for one thing. Who’s going to buy a line like that?

Maybe the simple truth would do. “Good morning. You are the 100% perfect girl for me.”

No, she wouldn’t believe it. Or even if she did, she might not want to talk to me. Sorry, she could say, I might be the 100% perfect girl for you, but you’re not the 100% boy for me. It could happen. And if I found myself in that situation, I’d probably go to pieces. I’d never recover from the shock. I’m thirty-two, and that’s what growing older is all about.

We pass in front of a flower shop. A small, warm air mass touches my skin. The asphalt is damp, and I catch the scent of roses. I can’t bring myself to speak to her. She wears a white sweater, and in her right hand she holds a crisp white envelope lacking only a stamp. So: She’s written somebody a letter, maybe spent the whole night writing, to judge from the sleepy look in her eyes. The envelope could contain every secret she’s ever had.

I take a few more strides and turn: She’s lost in the crowd.

Now, of course, I know exactly what I should have said to her. It would have been a long speech, though, far too long for me to have delivered it properly. The ideas I come up with are never very practical.

Oh, well. It would have started “Once upon a time” and ended “A sad story, don’t you think?”

Once upon a time, there lived a boy and a girl. The boy was eighteen and the girl sixteen. He was not unusually handsome, and she was not especially beautiful. They were just an ordinary lonely boy and an ordinary lonely girl, like all the others. But they believed with their whole hearts that somewhere in the world there lived the 100% perfect boy and the 100% perfect girl for them. Yes, they believed in a miracle. And that miracle actually happened.

One day the two came upon each other on the corner of a street.

“This is amazing,” he said. “I’ve been looking for you all my life. You may not believe this, but you’re the 100% perfect girl for me.”

“And you,” she said to him, “are the 100% perfect boy for me, exactly as I’d pictured you in every detail. It’s like a dream.”

They sat on a park bench, held hands, and told each other their stories hour after hour. They were not lonely anymore. They had found and been found by their 100% perfect other. What a wonderful thing it is to find and be found by your 100% perfect other. It’s a miracle, a cosmic miracle.

As they sat and talked, however, a tiny, tiny sliver of doubt took root in their hearts: Was it really all right for one’s dreams to come true so easily?

And so, when there came a momentary lull in their conversation, the boy said to the girl, “Let’s test ourselves – just once. If we really are each other’s 100% perfect lovers, then sometime, somewhere, we will meet again without fail. And when that happens, and we know that we are the 100% perfect ones, we’ll marry then and there. What do you think?”

“Yes,” she said, “that is exactly what we should do.”

And so they parted, she to the east, and he to the west.

The test they had agreed upon, however, was utterly unnecessary. They should never have undertaken it, because they really and truly were each other’s 100% perfect lovers, and it was a miracle that they had ever met. But it was impossible for them to know this, young as they were. The cold, indifferent waves of fate proceeded to toss them unmercifully.

One winter, both the boy and the girl came down with the season’s terrible inluenza, and after drifting for weeks between life and death they lost all memory of their earlier years. When they awoke, their heads were as empty as the young D. H. Lawrence’s piggy bank.

They were two bright, determined young people, however, and through their unremitting efforts they were able to acquire once again the knowledge and feeling that qualified them to return as full-fledged members of society. Heaven be praised, they became truly upstanding citizens who knew how to transfer from one subway line to another, who were fully capable of sending a special-delivery letter at the post office. Indeed, they even experienced love again, sometimes as much as 75% or even 85% love.

Time passed with shocking swiftness, and soon the boy was thirty-two, the girl thirty.

One beautiful April morning, in search of a cup of coffee to start the day, the boy was walking from west to east, while the girl, intending to send a special-delivery letter, was walking from east to west, but along the same narrow street in the Harajuku neighborhood of Tokyo. They passed each other in the very center of the street. The faintest gleam of their lost memories glimmered for the briefest moment in their hearts. Each felt a rumbling in their chest. And they knew:

She is the 100% perfect girl for me.

He is the 100% perfect boy for me.

But the glow of their memories was far too weak, and their thoughts no longer had the clarity of fouteen years earlier. Without a word, they passed each other, disappearing into the crowd. Forever.

A sad story, don’t you think?

Yes, that’s it, that is what I should have said to her.